I’ll start plainly: After a week and a half in the Peace Corps, I am heading back to the US. Why? You are probably asking. I have noting against the Peace Corps, or Liberia. It is a wonderful program, and is a very good thing for a lot of people. My reasons for leaving were entirely personal. While I feel like this is somewhat embarrassing to admit, I do think I owe an honest explanation to my family and friends. And I know that I found Peace Corps blogs very useful learning tools while I was applying, so I can hope that, by publishing this, I can offer insight to some future invitee or nominee who is on the fence. (NOT that I am openly discouraging anyone from joining the Peace Corps- I am just encourage everyone to really think about their decision and follow their heart).
My Peace Corps application took a VERY long time- 18 months from the start of the application to departing for Liberia. Generally, Peace Corps takes 9-12 months, and this is what I was expecting when I applied. I had hoped to leave soon after my college graduation, although that was only about 6 months from when I turned in the application. It was just one of dozens of job applications, but Peace Corps was the one I was most sure I could get- the odds for others were just too steep and I lacked technical experience. I figured I would graduate, get some temporary jobs if necessary, and then leave. But in that year between graduating and departure (and it was exactly a year: I graduated on June 17, 2012, and staging was on June 17, 2013) a lot changed. The part-time jobs I had gotten to fill time and pay rent ended up being much more enjoyable than I had anticipated, and closely aligned with my ultimate career goals (I eventually want to work at an aquarium or zoo, so I figured working part-time at a children’s museum and part-time at a pet store was a reasonable first step). The museum in particular was hard to leave, but when I finally got my Peace Corps invitation, I was both caught in the momentum I had built up attempting to prepare my life for Peace Corps and determined to not simply pass up this sort of opportunity.
For the first week or so after I got my invitation, I was mostly excited to be done waiting. While I was a little bit disappointed to have been assigned as a secondary math teacher, rather than in environmental education (for which my regional recruiter nominated me), I was excited by the prospect of finally getting what I had worked at for so long. But as time went by and I learned more about Liberia, I began to wonder if this is what I really wanted. I knew for sure that I didn’t want to be a classroom teacher forever, and I was worried about spending two years getting experience in only that, though I knew Peace Corps was its own, much bigger experience as well (and would certainly look better on a resume than teaching for two years in America). I continued with the process, passing medical clearance, applying for visas, and quitting my job at the museum, with each step making me feel more like I was stuck with the decision- that I had to continue moving forward, as it would be too much of a waste to turn back. Sometimes, especially over the last two months before departure, I felt like this was the ONLY reason I was carrying on. But I assured myself that doubts and second-guessing myself were normal when making a big decision. I told myself that if I passed up this opportunity, I would regret it forever. I asked myself if I was really reluctant to go to Liberia, or just sad to leave my life in California.
If you re-read my first few blog posts, it may become clear that by the time I left, I was just grasping at everything I could to try to convince myself. But, I was determined to at least try. Although I only admitted it to a few people, I hardly expected that I would stay for long. I knew that people dropped out of Peace Corps midway through training, or even partway into service, and I half-expected to be one of them. I hoped that Liberia would somehow magically be so much more than I had expected, that as soon as I arrived, I would really and truly want to be there for two years.
Of course, it didn’t take long in-country to realize I couldn’t force the issue with myself. I knew I was on a good path for my life, I knew what I wanted to do next, and I saw no good reason to keep pushing myself to stay in Liberia for two whole years when my heart just wasn’t in it. I was not happy in the heat and humidity, or eating so much spicy food. To top it all off, my body did not like the antimalarial medication I had to take. I thought, I could deal with the physical hardships if I really cared about my project. But classroom teaching is not something I care deeply about. If I had stayed, I would have been drained, and not had a good attitude about being there. It wouldn’t have been fair to myself, to my students, or to my fellow Volunteers. So I left.
What’s next? You ask. I will hopefully return to the Bay Area, and if all goes well I can return to my old job at the children’s museum, or perhaps a different museum. And probably, in a year or two, I will start graduate school. A lot of decisions still need to be made in the next few months, but I do feel like the first decision, leaving Peace Corps, was the right thing for me at this time in my life.
I do have some half-drafted blog posts that chronicle my short-lived adventure, which will be posted soon, so watch for those if you are interested.
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